


Will and Jem before the War

by Peanutbutterassistant



Series: Pre Canon Will and Jem [1]
Category: The Infernal Devices
Genre: 15 year old Jem and Will, Being so far in denial about being in love with your best friend, Canon Compliant, Depictions of blood but nothing super graphic, Eventual Herongreystairs but Tessa isn’t in it because they haven’t met her yet, First Kiss, Gen, If it weren’t so angsty, M/M, Missing Scene, Parabatai, Parabatai curse hinted at but not talked about, Pre Canon, its almost laughable, jem and will not realizing they’re in love with each other for five thousands words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:15:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26598175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peanutbutterassistant/pseuds/Peanutbutterassistant
Summary: London, December 23, 1876Two years before the series takes place.You see, Will was enacting a well thought out plan. He had been doing so for the past two weeks now. As Christmas had been rapidly approaching, Will had been trying to do everything in his power to buy his Parabatai the best gift he could ever receive, because Jem was practically an angel, and he completely deserved it. But Will has been trying to keep this endeavor a secret from him, so Jem would be surprised on Christmas morning. Will could see it now. Christmas morning, Jem would be unwrapping his present, and he would say ‘Wow Will, this was exactly what I wanted! How did you know? You’re the best Parabatai in the world!’ Or, at least, something like that.
Relationships: Jem Carstairs/ Will Herondale
Series: Pre Canon Will and Jem [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2147376
Kudos: 32





	Will and Jem before the War

**Author's Note:**

> This sprung from the headcanon (and probably actual canon that I don’t think has actually been confirmed) that Jem’s Yin Fen symptoms came slowly instead of all at once. This story is the first time Jem experiences his worst symptom; coughing up blood.  
> Also the missing scene talked about in the main series; Will searching for a cure despite Jem’s wishes and Jem having an intervention and stopping him.

London, December 23, 1876

“Oh, look in this window!”

“Why? What’s in there?” Jem asked quickly, hand on the seraph blade in his coat pocket, “Have you spotted a demon?”

“No. But look at the scarves! Aren’t they pretty?”

Jem gave a sigh and released his hand from his pocket. Jem was probably tired with Will at this hour of the patrol, but Will wasn’t finished with him yet. You see, Will was enacting a well thought out plan. He had been doing so for the past two weeks now. As Christmas had been rapidly approaching, Will had been trying to do everything in his power to buy his Parabatai the best gift he could ever receive, because Jem was practically an angel, and he completely deserved it. But Will has been trying to keep this endeavor a secret from him, so Jem would be surprised on Christmas morning. Will could see it now. Christmas morning, Jem would be unwrapping his present, and he would say ‘Wow Will, this was exactly what I wanted! How did you know? You’re the best Parabatai in the world!’ Or, at least, something like that.

So Will has been slipping ads from newspapers under Jem’s nose to see his reaction, taking him on walks around London and pointing out shops, doing practically everything he could think of besides actually asking him outright what he wanted. And yet, Will still has no clue. As Jem was practically an angel, he seemed in no desire to want any sort of material possessions. It was getting increasingly frustrating, actually, how little Jem asked of this world. Jem seemed completely content with what he already had. The closest Will had come to gauging what to get him was the one time when Jem had mentioned maybe getting a cane in the near future, since his health was failing and some days left him weaker than others, and he thought having a walking cane might make things easier. And Will was not going to buy his greatest friend in the entire world an old man’s cane.

It was two days away from Christmas now, and Will was starting to get a bit desperate. Charlotte hasn't let up on patrolling the streets, even as the holidays came around. Every time she ordered Will to go out on a patrol, he would always fight back, and Charlotte would always say; “I don’t care how long it’s been since a demon has been spotted in London. You will go out there and look or so help me Raziel!” However, tonight Will was grateful for Charlotte’s paranoia, because it meant for an excuse for Will to take Jem around London late at night, and point into every window of every closed shop, and see if Jem would show interest in anything. That way, Will could come up with something to buy him. Even though they had circled most all of London, and Jem hadn’t shown the slightest interest in anything Will had pointed out, Will refused to give up.

“I guess?” said Jem.

“If you could have any of these scarves, which would you pick?” Will asked, his hand pressed against the glass, making his hand prints visible against the frost on the window.

Jem studied the scarves lined neatly inside the store’s window.

“I don’t know, William, the red one?”

“Really?” Will asked, agast, “But it’s horrendous!”

“I don’t know why you ask me for fashion advice if you’ve already made up your mind.” Jem laughed, already walking away.

Will skipped forward to meet him.

“It’s because I value your opinion, mate.” Will explained, “Why else would I keep you around?”

Jem smiled down at him, “Obviously.” He said.

The two boy’s boots crunched as they walked through the snow. It was one of the things Will loved about this time of year. The snow, the cold, it reminds him of the countryside in Wales where he grew up. Sometimes it would snow so hard, he and his family would get trapped inside. Jem hated it for completely different reasons. One being that he ran hot, and would freeze if let outside for very long without a companion in such weather. The second reason being that it made patrolling much harder. Sure, their glamour runes made them invisible to mundanes, but the few late night stragglers would be able to see their footprints in the snow, and hear the crunching of their boots. While Jem tried to avoid stepping in snow where he could, Will would go out of his way to hear the crunch of the snow under his heel. Why Jem put up with him, Will would never know.

Approaching another shop window, Will stopped and looked inside.

“Is this a new bookstore? Jem! Come look! Have you seen this place before?”

Jem stopped where he was walking and turned to look where Will requested.

“No, I can’t say that I have. Nor can I say that I tour London enough to know where every bookstore is off the top of my head.”

Will turned to look at him, “Oh, and I do?”

“Yes.” said Jem, smiling knowingly at him. 

“When I visit London at late hours, I’m hardly spending my time reading.” Will responded.

Jem’s smile melted, and he returned his gaze to the shop window.

Will’s “drinking” was not something talked about often between them. Will knew it upset Jem somewhat, which was precisely why he had to pretend to go drinking so often. It made the other residents of the institute continue their dislike for him, which he needed them to do, for their own safety. Jem didn’t ask about it, which Will was grateful for, he couldn’t lie to Jem. While Jem was the only person Will allowed himself to have, that was because Jem was destined to die anyway. That was also something not often talked about, because Will hated thinking about the only confidant he had leaving him, and Jem knew, and he avoided the topic to avoid making Will upset, because he was wonderful like that. Jem had lasted longer than the silent brothers had predicted. Jem was fifteen now, and he was supposed to die last year. Which meant this might be the last Christmas he ever had, which means Will had to make it wonderful for him.

“Do you spot anything you like in there?” Will asked.

“We have an entire library back at the institute.” Jem reminded him, “Why would I need something new to read?”

“Because those books are boring, and old, and dusty, and these books are exciting!” said Will. 

“But they’re mundane books.”

“Well, yes, but mundanes are so creative. Since they don’t have to deal with killing demons, they spend a great deal of their time creating.”

Jem raised an eyebrow at him. “We save the entire mundane world so they can make books?”

“Yes.” Will exclaimed, “And sometimes, I think we should be able to reap a bit of what we sow.”

“By buying books.”

“Precisely.”

Jem gave a small snort.

“Come on, mate,” Will prompted, “If you could go in there and get one book, what would it be?”

Jem shot Will a small smile. “What would you get?” 

Will smiled back “I heard of this American author, Mark Twain, he was the one who wrote The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn? You remember me buying that. Anyway, I heard he published another book recently, called The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. If I could get any book, that’s what I would get.” Will nudged Jem in the side “But what about you? You haven’t answered my question.”

“I would buy The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, and I would give it to you. You would get more joy out of any book than I would.”

Jem ran a hand through Will’s hair in a friendly sort of way, and continued walking.

Will had to collect himself for a moment. Raziel, that was exactly the sort of thing Jem would do. Will took a deep breath, pressing down the odd sensation raising in his chest, and jogged to catch up with his friend.

“Come on now,” Jem called, “We’ve only got one more block to patrol and we can finally go to bed.”

  
Will, now walking at Jem’s side, quipped, “What, are you tired?”

“Yes, actually,” Jem responded, completely missing Will’s jap, “I’m feeling a bit winded. I think you were right about the training today.”

“Of course I was,” Will said, covering his concern about Jem’s health with sarcasm, “I’m usually right.”

Will had scolded Jem earlier today for training so long, after Jem had been using the training room for nearly three hours without rest. Will had said he shouldn’t be pushing himself so hard, and Jem had disagreed on the account that Will had done the same thing many times. Will hadn’t said anything of Jem’s illness, but he had heavily implied that it was the reason Will was able to do those things, and Jem was not.

The two walked side by side in the still London night. Snow was beginning to fall again, and it caught on Will’s eyelashes, making his eyes heavy.

  
The institute was now in sight, and Jem had fallen behind in pace.

“You alright, James? You look like you’ve seen a werewolf.”

Jem had stopped walking, he was looking pale (paler than usual). There was snow in his hair, the white nearly matching the silver strands. Nearly all of Jem’s hair was silver now, only a few streaks of black remained. A few near the back of his head, and several black hairs could be seen if one pushed back the hair that fell on Jem’s face. Not that Will thought of doing that often. Or at all.

“What? No. I’m fine.” Jem said, “Just tired, I guess.”

Jem walked forward several paces to match Will.

  
“I’ll be fine as soon as I get to bed. Besides, how would one see a werewolf tonight? It isn’t even a full moon.”

And with that, he flicked his gaze up to the sky. And, for a moment, Will saw his eyes reflect the stars, and couldn’t stop himself from thinking how his friend looked like a moon god, all silver hair and moon glass eyes and pale, smooth skin. He looked ethereal for just a moment, and Will didn’t really have the right word to describe it. The word “beautiful” popped into his mind, but he pushed it away.

Will pushed open the institute doors, feeling awful that he was unsuccessful in finding a gift. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, he wasn’t going to be able to get him alone tomorrow. He could always get him new throwing knives, but that was what he got him last year, he didn’t want to be repetitive. And he refused to get him an old man cane. Out of the question.

“If we’re quiet, maybe Charlotte won’t catch us coming in late.” Will whisper-shouted at Jem.

  
“We wouldn’t even be late if you hadn’t insisted at stopping at every shop window you saw.” Jem retorted.

“Ssh!” said Will.

“You ssh!” Jem snapped back playfully.

“Oh both of you hush.” said Charlotte, watching them from the kitchen.

“Oop, caught.” said Will.

“Get over here, you two!” Charlotte hissed at them.

  
Jem and Will marched over to the kitchen. Jem leaned his weight in the back of a chair, still looking pale and winded.

“What were you thinking staying out so late? You were supposed to be back by ten. Ten!”

“We know, Charlotte.” said Will.

“It’s nearly twelve!”

“We’re sorry, Charlotte.” said Jem.

“Sorry isn’t good enough!” Charlotte continued, “Two hours! Two hours I’ve waited here for you. You could’ve been killed by a demon for all we knew!”

“We know Charlotte. We really are sorry.” Jem apologized.

“Yeah, what _were_ we thinking.” Will added, “If we died, we’d be leaving you with Henry and Jessamine. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.”

“Seriously William. Would you stop antagonizing your fellow Shadowhunters for five minutes?” Charlotte lectured.

“I’d hardly call Jessamine a Shadowhunter but-“

  
Jem coughed once, three times in a row, leaning over his chair.

“You alright, mate?” Will asked quickly.  
Jem nodded.

“And now you've gotten Jem sick. Honestly Will, you know how he is in this kind of weather!”

“How could you know this is my fault? Maybe we got held up fighting a demon!” Will countered.

“We haven’t seen a demon in London in forever.”

“It’s possible.”

“Did you?” Charlotte asked dryly.

“Well, no. Which is exactly why you’ve got to stop sending out all these patrols! There’s nothing out there.”

“This again. We are not-“

Suddenly, the mark just above Will’s heart started to burn and Jem was coughing again. Will went to reach out to him but Jem was leaning so heavily on the chair that it toppled over, sending Jem to the floor. He was still coughing, gasping for breath. Will kneeled down beside him, opening his mouth to ask what was wrong, but stopped in his tracks. There was blood down the front of Jem’s shirt, his hands, his chin, dripping from his mouth. Jem took in a deep, labored breath and Will reached out a hand to steady him, so he wouldn’t fall over. Jem opened his mouth to speak, but he began coughing again. And again. And blood came from his mouth in clumps and his Parabatai rune burned. Jem fell onto his side and Will caught him.

Charlotte was standing over them- when had she walked over here?- and Will shouted at her;

“What are you doing just standing there? Call the silent brothers!”

His voice came out shrill and Charlotte ran off. Jem’s breathing was loud and it was all Will could hear. There was blood on Will’s shirt as well now, sticky and red, but he didn’t care. He held onto Jem with shaking hands.

The edges of Will’s vision were blurry, he barely registered his own voice telling Jem to breathe. Will didn’t even feel his own tears sliding down his face. They didn’t matter.

Will couldn’t help thinking of Ella, how he had peaked through a cracked door and seen her mangled body, how he had ran.

Will wasn’t running now.

He thinks, maybe, Jem is the only person he wouldn’t run from.

Will doesn’t know what’s happening. Jem is coughing and there’s blood and then he stops, trying to force air through his lungs, trying to breath, like it’s a chore, and then it starts all over. Will tries not to think that this is it. That he’s finally dying this time. Sure, there have been times where Jem was too weak to get out of bed or train, or he needed help walking, or he passed out during training and Will would think is this it? Is he really leaving me so soon? And he was always wrong. But Jem had never bled. Sure, he had the occasional wound from a knife or a sword but this was not that. Will couldn’t stop thinking that he wasn’t ready for Jem to die yet. And sure, logically, Will had known Jem would die one day, he thought Jem would die every day since he had turned fourteen. And now he was fifteen. Will was still talking to him, to Jem. He wasn’t quite sure what he was saying anymore. Probably just reassurances, telling him to breathe.

Will didn’t know what was happening anymore, he just knew that he really, really, didn’t want Jem to die.

Will heard a voice in his head, deep and masculine.

  
_Step away from James Carstairs, we will help him now._

The silent brothers.

But Jem was his Parabatai, and if Jem was going to die, Will wouldn’t let him do it alone in front in a bunch of creepy walking courses. And maybe Will was hysterical, but he clung onto Jem and yelled, lashing out, as he always did. He felt cold fingers on his shoulders, ripping him away from Jem, holding him in place. He didn’t know if it was Charlotte or a silent brother.

He also wasn’t sure if it was a silent brother or Charlotte who told Will to go to his room, after Jem was taken from him, and to wait there. To go to bed, and let the silent brothers worry about Jem. Like Will had a choice. Like Will could just stop worrying about Jem.

He found himself in his room, however, but he did not go to sleep. He stayed up, pacing back and forth and throwing knives into his walls and crying and thinking. Thinking how this was all his fault. Will had only become friends with Jem, let himself become friends with Jem, because he knew Jem would die soon. Will’s curse would affect him, sure, but he was already going to die. After Jem didn’t die at fourteen like the silent brothers said he would, Will became more cautious about how his curse was affecting Jem. It didn’t seem to be causing him any grief, or hurting him at all. It made Will wary. But now he was sure, tonight was the curse’s doing. Jem would die tonight and it was all his fault.

Eventually Will stopped pacing, laying on the ground, kicking at the floor until he didn’t have any more energy to do so.

…

Will opened his eyes, waking up exhausted. He was sleeping on the floor. Why was he on the floor? Then he remembered. It took him too much energy to sit up. He had knives in his walls, his wardrobe was knocked over. He slowly- still exhausted from last night- picked up the wardrobe, shoving the contents back inside, making sure the recipes for Jem’s Yin Fen were the very back.

His shirt was soaked through with dried blood. He yanked it off, and picked a new one up from the floor. His eyes were so heavy. He felt nothing from his Parabatai rune. Just yesterday, on the floor with Jem, it stung so bad he felt like he was being burned.

If Jem had died, Will would have felt it. He had read that when your Parabatai dies, there’s a awful feeling that accompanies it, one so awful, that people say they can feel the dull ache of it for years to come. Will knew this when he had asked Jem to be his Parabatai. Maybe that’s what he felt last night?

If Jem was dead, Will’s Parabatai rune would have faded. Will went to pull his shirt off to check, but stopped. He didn’t want to know yet.

Will opened his door and sluggishly walked down the hall. Not even two feet out the door, he ran into Charlotte. She looked as tired as Will felt. She probably hadn’t slept last night.

“Oh good! You’re awake. I was just about to get you. Jem is asking for you.”

_Jem is asking for you._

He’s alive.

Will felt the weight of dread lift from his shoulders.

  
He followed Charlotte down the hall to Jem’s room.

“The silent brothers left a couple of hours ago. I told Jem to get some sleep, but he couldn’t. He’s been asking for you for a while now, but I didn’t want to disturb you.” Charlotte explained as they walked.

“You should have.” Will said, his voice horse.

They arrived at Jem’s door, and Charlotte stopped outside. Will hesitated for a moment, then put a hand on the doorknob, and walked inside.

Jem was sitting up on his bed, his legs still under the covers. The sheets must have been changed, there was no blood to be seen. He was facing away from Will, staring out the window. The jade fist pendant Will had bought for him two years ago sat on his bare chest, as his silhouette bathed in the light from the rising sun. The sight made Will wistful, and a bit breathless.

Jem must have heard Will make a noise because he turned around and met his eye. And a smile broke out on his face and Will’s anxiety evaporated. This was Jem, he was right here, he was okay. Will walked up to him.

“Will!”

And Jem said his name with so much joy.

“Are you alright?” Will asked, maybe sounding a bit frantic.

“Yes, I feel much better now. But what about you? Are you okay?”

Will let out a laugh.

“You’re asking if I’m okay?”

Jem gave him a friendly shove. “You know what I mean. I heard you while I was coughing, you know.”

“You did?” said Will, “What did I say?”

Jem’s smile faded, “You mean you don’t remember?”

“Last night was mostly a blur for me, I remember talking to you, but I don’t know what I said. Why? Did I say something weird?”

Jem hesitates, “No. Nothing weird. You were mostly telling me not to die, to breathe, like that wasn't what I was doing already.”

Will fidgeted with the cuffs of his sleeves. Jem was lying. He had never been a good liar. He hoped whatever he had said to Jem hadn’t been anything important. There were actually a handful of secrets he didn’t want Jem knowing.

“What happened after the silent brothers took you from the kitchen?” Will asked, his voice sounding much too small and much too vulnerable.

“Here.” He explained. “Just here. Then they did some of their silent brother magic, I don’t really remember most of it, actually. I think I was sleeping.”

“Shadowhunters don't do magic.”

“Who knows what silent brothers do. I’ll never understand them.”

Will chuckled, Jem joined in. Will had the sudden urge to get closer to him. Put a hand on his shoulder, or leg, to get some kind of physical affirmation that he was here, not an illusion or a dream. He pushed it back down.

“Charlotte said you woke up a few hours ago.” Will prompted.

“Yeah,” Jem continued, “The silent brothers were there when I woke up. They scared me so bad.”   
  
“I don’t blame you. The sewed shut eyes and mouth really do me in,” Will agreed, “What happened after that?”

Jem moved his legs so his knees reached his chin, leaned forward to wrap his arms around his legs. His blanket fell down to accommodate, showing just the start of his hips. Will realized Jem probably wasn't wearing any clothes underneath that blanket, which made him instantly nervous. For some reason. The position made him look small, and vulnerable. It also showed his sides, where he was so skinny Will could count his ribs.

“The silent brothers told me I haven’t been taking enough Yin Fen, and that I have to double my dosage.”

“Are you going to?”

Jem rested his chin against his knees and looked away. Will knew talking about his addiction made him feel small, vulnerable, which was why he only really talked about it around Will.

“They’ve told me to do that a couple times already and I haven’t.” Jem began, “Do you think I should?”

Will thought of the receipts in the back of his wardrobe. And then he thought of Jem. His Jem. “I think you should do whatever it takes to keep yourself alive.”

Jem looked up at him from half lidded silver eyelashes.

“I figured you’d say something like that.”

“James, why would you ask for my advice if you already knew what I was going to say?”

“Because I value your opinion, mate. What else would I keep you around for?”

Will’s heart thudded at the rememberance if those words.

“Obviously.”

A moment of silence passed, and Will let it.

“You know what else they said?” Jem spoke, finally.

  
“How would I? You haven’t told me.”

Jem let loose a giggle that made Will’s heart ache. Then he stopped.

“They said… they said to expect… this… to happen more often.”

“The coughing blood thing?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

And Will knew this was his curse. Because of course his curse wouldn’t just kill Jem, it would make him suffer. Because of all the people on the planet, Jem deserved a full life, a happy life, and Will’s curse knew it. The curse was toying with him. Making Jem suffer because it knew that would make Will suffer. He wanted to break down crying again, he wanted to apologize, and, not for the first time, he just wanted to tell Jem the truth. But he knew he couldn’t do that. So he settled.

“I’m so sorry, James.”

Jem sat back against the headboard of his bed and looked up at him.

“Don’t be mate, it isn’t your fault.”

_But it is._

…

Christmas had come and gone. Will bought Jem new throwing knives.

…

The candle was dripping wax at an alarming rate. He should really be using a whichlight runestone, but that would mean sacrificing one of his hands to hold the runestone, and he needed both his hands. Plus, the candle was much less bright than the runestone would be, and Will didn’t want to draw attention to himself.

The library was dark at this hour. Everything was dark at this hour, really. It was three in the morning. Or, it was three in the morning the last time he looked at a clock.

Will flipped the page of the book he was reading. Greater Demons and their History. Will had bought the book off of a faerie shopkeep on his last outing. He had hoped to find something on Yanluo, the demon who had drugged Jem as a child, creating his addiction to Yin Fen. The book was very detailed, but so far, he couldn’t find anything about Yin Fen, or how to stop a codependency on it for survival.

Okay, so maybe Jem had made everyone in the institute swear to stop searching for a cure, but that was because Jem was an Angel among Shadowhunters and didn’t want the entire institute fretting over him. But now it was just Will fretting over him, and that wasn’t anything he wasn’t used to. Not that Jem knew he was doing this. Or ever would. Since the night Jem had coughed blood up all over the floor, Will had doubled down on finding a cure.

“Will?”

 _Jem_.

Will slammed the book shut and stood up, definitely too quickly, he nearly fell over.

  
“What are you doing still awake? You aren’t even in night clothes. Were you even planning on sleeping tonight?”

Jem was in his night clothes, his white linen shirt buttoned only halfway- showing the jade pendant usually hidden underneath coats and button-ups- his trousers much too big. He was leaning on his new cane for support, the one Henry made for him for Christmas, the one that turned into a sword and outshone Will’s gift by a mile.

“The real question is how you managed to sneak up on me without me hearing you. I always hear you in training. Have you been training behind my back?” said Will, trying to lighten the mood.

“You were probably just engrossed in whatever you were reading. Must have been pretty good. Was it the Tom Sawyer one I got you?”

Because somehow, without Will knowing, Jem has sent for Sophie to buy the stupid book he had mentioned one time offhandedly and gave it to him for Christmas, because everyone in this stupid house was better at gift giving than him.

“No.” said Will, totally not panicking, “It’s nothing really, nothing you’d find interesting, I mean.”

Picking up on Will’s nervousness, Jem cracked a smile.

“Well now I need to know what it is.”

Jem reached for the book, but Will held it above his head, not taking into account that Jem was taller than him now. Really, it should have been easy for him to play keepaway with a cripple, but Jem smashed his cane down on Will’s foot, making him squeal and drop the book, which Jem swiftly picked up.

“Greater Demons?” he read, “Why are you studying greater demons?”

“Oh. You know.” He was so caught. “Because.”

Jem squinted at him, opening the book to the bookmarked page, (damn Will Herondale and his perfect book habits) and his eyes widened.

  
Will didn’t say anything.

“You’re still looking, aren't you.”

He said it like a statement.

“I told you to stop.”

Will swallowed. He hated seeing Jem upset.

  
“I just… I only…”

“You only disobeyed my wishes. There’s isn’t a cure, Will.”

“You don’t know that!” Will snapped back.

“Yes I do.” now Jem was serious. “I’ve looked for one practically my whole life. It doesn’t exist.”

  
“I can’t just give up on this, on you.” Will took a shaky breath, “If there’s even a tiny chance that there’s something I could do, something I could find, then I have to take it. You’re everything to me, you know that, right? Without you I have no one, I am no one.”

Jem set down the book on the table, “I know. But you can’t keep searching for something you’ll never find.”

Jem rested both hands on his cane.

“I understand, I’m your only confidant. For some reason I’m sure I’ll never know, you have chosen me to talk to, and no one else. I don’t know why you keep everyone else at arm's length, why you wear a mask, why you act the way you do. And I don’t ask, because if you wanted me to know you would have said. I know that you don’t want to lose that, that one person you can talk to, really talk to. But there isn’t a cure. I don’t want you wasting all your time looking for something that doesn’t exist, keep holding onto hope for something that will let you down. The sooner you accept it, the easier it will be when you have to let go.”

“But I don’t want to let go!” Will grabs onto Jem’s arm, maybe sounding a bit hysteric. “A confidant.. that is not what you are to me. That is not all you are to me. Please. There has to be another way.”

Jem took a step forward. “What am I to you?” He asked with genuine curiosity.

Will was suddenly hyper aware of how close they were. All Will could see was Jem’s porcelain skin and angry silver eyes so Will did the only logical thing he could do; he leaned forward every so slightly, closed his eyes, and pressed their lips together. And Will wasn’t really thinking at that moment (it was not one of his strong suites) but Jem was kissing him back. Jem tasted like copper and snow and as they broke apart and came back together, his long eyelashes brushed against Will’s skin.

A burning sensation came over Will’s heart and it hurt so bad he winced, and they pulled apart.

  
Will put a hand over his heart and noticed Jem had put a hand just at the base of his neck, where his Parabatai rune was.

Will could almost feel the cord binding them together pulling taunt.

“Have you… has your rune… ever burned like that before?” Jem asked, his voice cracked and his cheeks pink.

“Once. When you were coughing up blood on the kitchen floor.”

Jem nodded slowly.

And for a moment, they didn’t talk. Will wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure what. Silence between Will and Jem was usually comfortable, but this was not. This had tension and Will did not like it. So he spoke, if only to ease the tension.

“Sorry. That was weird. I don’t know why I did that.”

Jem swallowed thickly. “You don’t?”

Apparently, that had been the wrong thing to say.

  
“Was… is there a reason- do you know…?” said Will, trying to form a full sentence.

“No!” replied Jem awkwardly, “It’s nothing.”

“Nothing.” repeated Will, disbelievingly.

“It’s just…” continued Jem, “When you were laying with me, and I was bleeding, you had said… you said you loved me.”

“Well sure.” said Will, confused, “I’ve always loved you, you know that. We’re Parabatai.”

“Well yes, of course.” Jem said, “I had just thought.. maybe… the way you said it- you’re tone, I mean- I had thought you had meant it… differently? Sorry.”

Will flinched. In love with Jem? No. That’s preposterous. He was Jem. His best friend, his constant companion, his Parabatai.

“Oh! No.” responded Will, trying not to make his voice sound strained, “That’s not- that’s impossible. You know that we’re- it’s illegal. You can’t fall in love with your Parabatai. Besides we’re… we’re just us.”

“Right!” said Jem, entirely too enthusiastic, “We’re us.”

“Of course.”

A moment of silence passed. Jem leaned forward on his cane, looking to the left, to avoid eye contact, biting down on his bottom lip. Suddenly, Will wanted to kiss him again. Will pushed the urge down as hard as he could. He had already messed things up.

The wax on the candle melted and the light went out, snuffed out by its own melted wax.

Will did not look for a cure again.


End file.
